I'm Going to Kill You Voldy vs Fred
by 0Rosina0
Summary: What would happen if Voldemort captured Fred to bait Harry? This is a story about how Fred contributes in a humourous way to help Harry defeat a Dark Lord. AU


A/N: I got the idea for this when I was reading 14hp1's Fun Lists. Anyways, I haven't ever done a one-shot before, but it was too fun to resist! Here I go!-

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**Voldemort-**

_I can see the life in his eyes. _

_The perfect bait for the Potter boy- stealing his best friend's brother._

_It will be only minutes until Potter comes, nobly marching into my hands with his pathetic attempt at an army._

_And, oh, taunting this capture will be so amusing._

Voldemort was standing in the middle of a circle of Death Eaters, facing a scraggly red-headed boy- Fred Weasley. The boy had been bound and pushed to his knees, so he had no choice but to face this Dark Lord. Fred's face, the only part of him still free, was haunted.

"Do you feel brave, now? You were caught and will be used to bait your perfect Golden Boy. People will put your name on his death. You'll go down in history. So, do you?" Voldemort taunted.

Fred glared at him, the haunted look gone from his face. He did not answer.

"Oh, you do? That won't last for too long. Soon Potter will arrive and hand himself over to me for your life. We'll take him, and keep you anyways. Weasley, I'm going to kill you," Voldemort taunted, leaning in and whispering it in his ear.

_This boy is nothing._

_People thought he had spirit._

_He doesn't even respond with a good come-back. Pity._

Suddenly Fred's mouth transformed into a smirk, his eyes squinting with mischief.

"I'm sensing some self-confidence problems. I hear they have an excellent psychiatric ward at St. Mungo's...And while you're there, maybe you could have them do something about your nose."

The whole Death Eater circle and Voldemort froze.

"And anyways, what did I ever do to yo- oh, never mind... " Fred was clearly on a roll. Everyone except Fred was still.

"Oh, I get it! Am I on Punk'd? Where's the camera guy, huh? Where?" Fred playfully looked around and narrowed his eyes, "Hmm, I guess I was wrong."

One Death Eater bowed his head in an attempt to stop his laughter. Voldemort snapped his head in the Death Eater's direction- the Death Eater stopped giggling abruptly. Voldemort turned to face Fred again. His normally pale snakelike face was turning pink with rage.

"Oooooh! An impersonation of Harry's uncle!" Fred said excitedly, his face lighting up with glee. Suddenly his face turned apologetic, "I'm sorry Mr. V, but your face is still to pale and you're missing the twitching nerve. Your nose is too flat too. Are you going to take my advice and get it fixed at St. Mungo's?"

Voldemort was furious now. His face was no long white with a trace of pink- it actually had a few tints of red! "You are insane! Don't you get it?! I'm going to **_KILL YOU_**!!" Voldemort screeched.

Fred only responded by looking more excited. "Ooh Lucy!" Fred said, beckoning with his eyes to Lucius Malfoy, "He sounds like a girl. Come closer and listen!"

At this time, a quarter of the Death Eaters were making obvious motions of trying to stop laughing. The rest were either coughing, or sneezing. Voldemort himself was twitching all over. He whipped his wand out and held it to Fred's nose, then said, dangerously, "One more word and _die_."

Fred looked cross eyed at the wand tip, making an obvious motion of tipping his head while he did.

A few laughs could be heard around the Death Eaters.

Fred licked his lips hungrily, bit Voldemort's wand tip, and whipped his head so the wand was thrown several feet. All the Death Eaters were silent now, curious as to what their leader would do.

Voldemort, straightened up, attempting to gather his dignity, and walked over to where his wand lay. He stooped down to pick it up.

_**RIIIIIIP!!**_

Voldemort's robes ripped- right at his glutious maximus. All the Death Eaters burst out laughing- they couldn't help it. A few truly ROFL'ed too.

Suddenly, before Voldemort could take action, or even pick up his wand, spells came out of everywhere and all the Death Eaters were stunned. The Aurors came out of the trees, their wand poised on Voldemort. A few of them caught sight of Voldemort's... tear ... and cracked up too. Voldemort, frozen in surprise, had yet to actually pick up his wand.

A green curse came out of a wand and hit Voldemort. That was the end of that reign of Dark Lord. The shooter of the curse stepped forward and unbound Fred- it was Harry.

"Thanks for the help out there, Fred. We couldn't have done it without you," Harry said gratefully.

And that was how Fred Weasley helped in the final battle.

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A/N: I think this writing isn't to good, but I couldn't resist. This wasn't even meant to parodic too. I hope everybody laughed and it wasn't too lame. I think it was rushed too... R & R if you have the time!


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